Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
