a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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