Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
