I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
