I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
