you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
