My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
