a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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