Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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