the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
