just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
