You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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