somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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