Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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