Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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