im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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