i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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