When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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