I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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