..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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