So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize