The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
