I'm lost and stupid without you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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