my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
