And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
