You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Every concussion has its silver lining
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
