I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
