God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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