when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
