Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
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