I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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