Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
