Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
