She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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