Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize