dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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