May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
