saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
no you cant smoke seaweed
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
