the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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