I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
