and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize