I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
