i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
