so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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