Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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