can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize