It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I FOUND THE LEGS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize