Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
