i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
