He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
