Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
