You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
