Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have aggressive nipples.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
