goodnight i made you a song goodbye
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
