Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The Olympian is in my bed
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
