god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I met the friendliest cop last night
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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