Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
