Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i jhust puked up my retainher.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
