I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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