After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
